Keeping passion alive in your long term relationship
Erotic intelligence, human sexuality, passion and desire are some of the terms used to discuss sex.
It is often thought that desire diminishes in long term relationships.
While this may be the case, Esther Perel, a researcher and clinician in human sexuality, proposes some fresh thinking about why desire may not survive, even in very happy relationships. Her research led her to understand some important aspects of desire not been previously understood, or discussed, in sex therapy education courses. The major assumption Esther examined was,”if the couple had a good relationship, good sex would surely follow.”
This assumption didn’t necessarily translate into the bedroom, Perel found. She discovered that too much care taking and neediness in intimate partners was a passion killer. This finding led her to the next step of the puzzle in which she discovered that partners find their partners sexy and desirable when they are confident and masterful, in the flow and using my words, “exuding mastery”.
This didn’t mean ‘hanging off the chandelier’ mastery necessarily, but an assertive and curious stance about life and their partner. This conscious sexuality requires thinking, planning and time in order to play.
There is some debate about sexuality with one camp championing differentiation while another supports greater couple attachment bonding for maintaining desire. Differentiation is seen by many as necessary for couples so that difference can be tolerated as the individuals are encouraged to develop their own way and not rely too heavily on their partner to satisfy all their needs.
Attachment proponents have a different take that sees the couple as being paramount and that relationship security ensures desire. My thinking supports both points of view as different approaches will work at different times and stages for the relationship.
Esther’s Youtube video, which follows, explains her thinking which has helped many couples re explore their sexuality within their long term, committed relationships.
