Safe Fighting

Have you heard anyone say that their parents never fought?

When I used to hear this as a younger person, I immediately thought my parents must have been particularly bad at being partners as they would have some animated fights–never violent, but pretty loud at times.

I would also see them make up and get on with each other until another hot topic got them going.

Stan Tatkin, psychologist and couples expert, sees fighting well as part of healthy relationship.

I’m not referring to violent and scary fighting, which would not be advisable or safe, but rather the everyday disagreements that living together brings.

In the short clip, Dr Tatkin explains that fighting and repairing and sorting out differences is better than being conflict-avoidant, which causes pressure to build in the relationship.

If a couple can debate and come to resolution without getting too aroused that’s even better, but realistically partners often get animated about topics close to their heart and head!

Reading your partner well is key to remaining aware of the effect of the fight on each other.

Repairing, for example, may go something like this: “Sorry hon, I seemed to get off to a bad start in that argument and misread what you were trying to say. Can we come back in twenty minutes when I’ve calmed down and have another go at this?” Or the shorter version: “I screwed up and I’m sorry!”